WHY IS MY CHILD ANGRY?
WHY IS MY CHILD ANGRY?
As a parent, you care about the self-esteem of each of your children. How do you help children feel loveable and capable when your child acts unruly and irritable? Most parents want their children to like themselves, to be at ease with themselves and others. Occasionally it seems impossible to get children to like themselves when they are just plain mad. The first step is to try to identify why your child is so angry.
Why your child may get angry:
• Children develop very fast in their early years. They are developing physically and emotionally. The development in both the body and thinking ability are growing at a fast pace. Sometimes it takes longer for their emotional growth to catch up to their physical growth.
• Often, as a parent, you are overwhelmed with responsibility. The child may sense the anxiety you are feeling. Because they don’t understand the emotion, it comes out as if they are angry.
• Your child may feel they do not have control over what happens to him. Think for a moment how often your child is not in control. Your child is made to get up and dressed in the morning, even if he is tired and didn’t want to. (he feels angry) He has to leave his house to go to childcare just as he was beginning to play with his favorite toy. (he feels angry) He settles into his childcare. Your child is having fun and in the middle of a game with his friends when you come to pick him. He is not ready to stop playing and leave. (He feels angry).
There are words you can say and ways to treat angry children that will help them to accept their anger and control their behavior in a way that will build positive self-esteem. When he displays this anger and frustration it is often baffling to the parent as to what caused it.
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
1. Model acceptable behavior. As the child’s parent, your child will be watching you very closely. The child is going to mimic the way you handle situations.
For example: You get a phone call that makes you angry. Do you slam down the phone? Stomp around? Act short tempered you’re your child? If someone cuts you off when driving, do you yell at the other driver? Take a hard look at yourself and how you handle situations that make you angry in front of your child.
2. Affirm the child’s right to be angry. After affirming the child’s right to be angry let him know that he can control his behavior.
For example, “I know you are angry because you accidently knocked over your block tower. But it’s not ok to throw the blocks, however you can go over and punch that pillow.”
3. Let your child know what is expected of her. Before the child gets angry, read a book about an angry character. Talk about what the character did and what is acceptable. Let your child know what is acceptable behavior in your home when she gets angry.
As a parent:
1. Do not feel responsible for the child’s anger. Some parents believe if they were doing a good job there would be no anger in the home.
2. Don’t plead with a child to “please be good.” This will send the child a message that he/she is in control and that it is your fault he is angry.
3. Do not feel hopeless when your child refuses a request or doesn’t follow the rules. Some parents may feel that they can’t do anything with boys when they get mad because it is ‘normal’ for boys to act out. Or that it is, ‘normal’ for girls to be manipulative and hurtful in their comments. If you believe this, you are telling the children that no one is in charge and that neither you nor the child is responsible for the his/her actions.
4. Do not look at your child’s anger as a fault in the child.
5. Do not view your child as ‘bad’ or ‘deficient’. Never call your child ‘bad’.
6. Do not take a position that anger is something that is not allowed in your home. Everyone gets angry at some time, and it is important that your child identify how she is feeling and learn how to handle it.
7. Never scold, make fun of, or punish your child for getting angry. Children get angry. It is a normal emotion, and you want to teach your child to not keep it inside but to let it out in an appropriate way.
You want to be able to teach your child how to gain more self-control. As he does gain self-control, his self-esteem is also affected in a positive way. Acknowledge your child’s anger without trying to control it. Stay firmly in charge of the limits of their behavior.
When your child is younger than 18 months of age you need to establish absolute limits on behavior. This is because children under 18-month-old are generally unable to control their behavior. You often need to intervene when the child is in danger of hurting themselves or others.
For example: You often have to physically remove your child from a situation where she could fall or get hurt. You may even have to distract your child from an object or situation before she gets hurt.
Once your child has reached the age of 18 month, you can expect that the child will be able to learn to control his or her behavior. Clearly let your child know it is ok to be angry, but she cannot hurt another person or herself. Your child should begin to understand it is not ok to destroy property when she is angry.
It is sometimes helpful to let your child know that in a similar situation you might get angry as well. A child should understand that having a toy grabbed away or being hurt by another child is not alright and that you understand why they are angry.
Appropriate socialization teaches the child that although they have little control over the cause, they do have control over their response.
Sometimes children may get angry or uncooperative because they are learning to resist. They are moving towards independence and are learning how to handle their anger. What is sometimes called the ‘terrible twos’ is actually a very important time in a child’s socialization. It is also a time when children are learning how to protect themselves. Model to your child how she needs to think clearly even when she is feeling strong emotions. Show her how to use the energy towards solving the problem.
The emotion of anger is important, and it can be a good time for children to learn how to say ‘no’ and “I won’t” and when to resist at the right time. An involved parent can facilitate the anger while allowing their child a safe environment to work on creative problem solving and to develop self-control.