APPROACHING THE ANGRY CHILD
As a childcare provider you care about the self-esteem of each child in your program. How do you help children feel loveable and capable when the child acts unruly and irritable? Most providers want the children in their programs to like themselves, to be at ease with themselves and others. Occasionally it seems impossible to get children to like themselves when they are just plain mad. There are words you can say and ways to treat angry children that will help them to accept their anger and control their behavior in a way that will build positive self-esteem.
1. MODEL ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR As the child’s provider, you often care for a child more waking hours than the parent does. The child is going to mimic the way you handle situations.
For example: You get a phone call that makes you angry. Do you slam down the phone? Stomp around? Act short tempered with the children? Take a hard look at yourself and how you handle situations that make you angry in front of the children.
2. Affirm the child’s right to be angry. After affirming the child’s right to be angry let them know that they can control their behavior.
For example, “I know you are angry because you accidently knocked over your block tower. But it’s not ok to throw the blocks, however you can go over and punch that pillow.”
3. Let the children know what is expected of them. Before the child gets angry, read a book about an angry character. Talk about what the character did and what is acceptable. Talk about rules in the childcare and what is acceptable behavior if the child gets angry.
As a provider:
1. Do not feel responsible for the child’s anger. Some providers believe if they were doing a good job there would be no anger in the room.
2. Don’t plead with a child to “please be good.” This will send the child a message that he/she is in control and that it is the provider’s fault they are angry.
3. Do not feel hopeless when a child refuses a request or doesn’t follow the rules. A provider may feel that they can’t do anything with boys when they get mad because it is ‘normal’ for boys to act out. Or that it is, ‘normal’ for girls to be manipulative and hurtful in their comments. If you believe this, you are telling the children that no one is in charge and that neither you nor the child is responsible for the child’s actions.
4. Do not look at the child’s anger as a fault in the child.
5. Do not view the child as ‘bad’ or ‘deficient’. Never call a child ‘bad’.
6. Do not take a position that anger is something that is not allowed in your program. Everyone gets angry at some time, and it is important that the child identify how they are feeling and learn how to handle it.
7. Never scold, make fun of, or punish a child for getting angry. Children get angry. It is a normal emotion, and you want to teach the child to not keep it inside but to let it out in an appropriate way.
You want to be able to teach the children in your care how to gain more self-control. As they do gain self-control, their self-esteem is also affected in a positive way. Acknowledge a child’s anger without trying to control it. Stay firmly in charge of the limits of their behavior.
When a child is younger than 18 months of age a provider needs to establish absolute limits on behavior. This is because children under 18 month old are generally unable to control their behavior. You often need to intervene when the child is in danger of hurting themselves or others.
For example: You often have to physically remove the child from a situation where they could fall or get hurt. You may even have to distract the child from an object or situation before they get hurt.
Once a child has reached the age of 18 month, you can expect that the child will be able to learn to control his or her behavior. Clearly let the child know it is ok to be angry, but they cannot hurt another person or themselves. A child should begin to understand it is not ok to destroy property when they are angry.
It is sometimes helpful to let the children know that in a similar situation you might get angry as well. A child should understand that having a toy grabbed away or being hurt by another child is not alright and that you understand why they are angry.
Appropriate socialization teaches children that although they have little control over the cause, they do have control over their response.
Sometimes children may get angry or uncooperative because they are learning to resist. They are moving towards independence and are learning how to handle their anger. What is sometimes called the ‘terrible twos’ is actually a very important time in a child’s socialization. It is also a time when children are learning how to protect themselves. Model to the children how they need to think clearly even when they are feeling strong emotions. Show them how to use the energy towards solving the problem.
The emotion of anger is important, and it can be a good time for children to learn how to say ‘no’ and “I won’t” and when to resist at the right time. An involved provider can facilitate the anger while allowing the children a safe environment to work on creative problem solving and to develop self-control.