GUIDING MY CHILD THROUGH SEPARATION AND DIVORCE
When you are going through a separation and/or divorce, your child is feeling the effects and dealing with many emotions. There are so many changes going on in their lives. They may be experiencing:
• One parent is now missing from the home
• They are witnessing fighting and arguing between two people they love
• You and the child may have to move
• You may be in the middle of a custody battle and the child feels the strain.
• Awkward and strained visitation or transitions from one parent’s home to the other.
Everything is changing in the child’s life. Child experience situations differently than adults. Examining the situation from the child’s view- point will help you support the child.
• Children view their parents as ‘one unit’. They have difficulty understanding that each parent is a separate individual with different needs and interests.
• Children often deny that there is a problem. They may not accept the fact their parents live in separate residences.
• Children worry that their parents will stop loving them. They don’t understand that the love between their parents is different than your love for them.
• Young children are ego-centric, which means they believe everything happens for or because of them. They often feel responsible for your fighting and for a one of their parents leaving. This feeling of guilt can greatly affect their self-esteem.
• Because a child feels they are responsible for the problems, they may try to ‘fix’ the problem by getting sick, becoming a problem at school, being very good or loving, or by trying to get attention in other ways.
• Your child may be experiencing less attention because you are struggling with coping and adjusting to the separation or divorce.
• Your child may be afraid that because one parent left the other parent will leave them too.
• If your child has witnessed physical violence they may act out in the same way.
Because each child is different, it is hard to know just how your child is adjusting. If you observe your child is exhibiting any of the following signs, talk with them and talk with their doctor to get help for your child:
• Regression- Children may regress to a time when they felt loved and safe, therefore they may begin wetting the bed, sucking their thumb, talking baby talk, and become very clingy.
• Develop a low self-esteem- They may become more aggressive and argue with their friends, withdraw, or have temper tantrums.
• Some children can become depressed and withdraw, do not want to engage in activities, show extreme sadness, and find it hard to concentrate.
• Occasionally a child will become very aggressive with the other children, often in an attempt to get attention from their parents.
• A child may also pretend to be sick or even try to hurt themselves as a way to get the attention on themselves.
What can you do as a parent to help the child through this difficult time?
• Tell the child that you are available to talk and listen. Do not pressure the child to talk.
• Talk about feelings. Look at pictures in books and ask the child how is the character feeling? Ask the child how they would feel if they were the character in the book. The object is to have the child become aware that we all have different feelings, and it is ok.
• You can also talk about changes. For example: How have both of you changed since you were a baby? How do we change the way we dress in winter and summer? This will reinforce the concept that change is part of life.
• Show the child that people can change from being husband and wife, but they cannot change being mommy and daddy.
• Provide the consistency in their lives with familiar routines and activities.
Try to keep the lines of communication open between yourself and the other parent. Continuity of care, response, answers to their questions and assurances will help your child adjust. Respect the child’s feelings and show respect to the other parent. Never try to put the child in the position to choose between two parents he loves.
Resource
The Crisis Manual, Karen Miller